If you’re reading this and you’re a first time parent you know the last thing you want is any added stress. Having a child is a life changing event, a blessing, but it can be be overwhelming. The unsolicited advice and comments coming in, often daily, can make you feel even more overwhelmed.

“Are you going to breasfeed?”

“You need this”

“You should do that”

“This is what works best”

“Don’t get this”

“Wipe warmers are dumb, don’t get it because…”

“Are you going to sleep train?”

“I would change this on your registry”

HOLY SHIT, excuse my language but I mean really, can’t a woman just be pregnant and enjoy that journey first? I know that most of the advice coming in is out of love and care. Most people want to share their experiences because they want to help. However, no two children are the same. No two familes are the same. EVERY SINGLE child is unique and has different needs, wants, likes and dislikes. So, I say this with all the gratitude in the world if you are one of these helpers, thank you, but no thank you. The way to becomming a parent is through trial and error. It is important to be on the same page with your partner with how you both want to raise your child. In the end you take each day as it comes and learn as you go, what is best for your family. Again, what is BEST for YOUR family. Just because the said information works for one person doesn’t mean it will apply to your life.

I have read different articles on how to deal with the unsolicited advice and I have also come up with my own ways. I have been in the public eye for quite some time and learning how to deal with and dodge unwanted comments is now second nature. You will have to do it with grace, but you must be firm.

1. BE CONFIDENT. You must be confident with your choices or people will walk all over you. This applys to many areas in your life not just this topic. If you believe in your choices then you must stand firm on them. Do not let someone make you doubt yourself. Trust yourself.

2. THIS IS WHAT WORKS FOR OUR FAMILY. When you have someone who insists on you parenting their way, simply reply “This is what works for our family.” DO NOT explain yourself. That sentence is an answer and you don’t need to further explain. Remember, it is your right to say NO.

3. FLIP THE SCRIPT. When you get hit with the -“how to’s” -respond and ask “Is this exactly how you raised your child ?” Some may say yes. Others may stop and think, well no it really isn’t and then think about what they are saying to you. If you get someone who insist their child and parenting skills are perfect be curtious and acknowledge the advice, however, you decide again if it is what will work for your family.

4. THAT’S ONE WAY OF DOING IT. This a great response to give. Let them say their peace and respond with this statement. It’s simple and to the point. Don’t try to come back with explainations of why you will or won’t follow the advice. Just let it go.

5. CHANGE THE TOPIC. Did you see the Patriots are in the super bowl again? ha ha. YES, it is absolutely okay to not engage and I find this to be the best. If you just simply change the topic the person will without a doubt get the hint. This should help avoid any unnecessary stress or confrontation. I repeat, do not engage.

I use these helpful tips on a daily basis. Somedays my hormones get the best of me and I will find myself having to reel in back in. I take a deep breath and remind myself that this is my child and my family. It is equally important to take a look at the people around you, your parents included, and decide on whom you DO want to ask advice from. I say this lightly, ask for advice and know that you still have to decide if it is what will work for you and your child. I have people I ask for helpful tips and tricks and yet I still take all of that with a grain of salt. Why? Because, I repeat your child will not be the same as another and you will have to figure out what works for him/her and you.

Along with all the advice comes the unwanted comments.

“Are you having another child”

“Did you gain a lot of weight”

“My vagina ripped so bad when I gave birth”

“Breastfeeding hurts so badly..”

“You’re not getting an epidural? (insert the laughs)”

“Do you think you’ll snap back”

The list goes on. I am speaking simply from my point of view and I say all this with no ill intent but who says these things to an expecting mother? Again, can’t I just be pregnant and enjoy it? I LOVE being pregnant. I had a rough first trimester and I stil wouldn’t trade it. I absolutely love my pregnant body and I am not worried about the after. I have spent the last ten years of my life and career being super fit always and I continue to be healthly now. Healthy both mentally and physcially is what matters not the number on the scale. The “snap back” is added pressure for all moms to be an unrealistic physical shape post baby, chill out social media/society. All we should be doing is healing our bodies that just spent almost a year creating life and enjoying our newborn. Oh and I image breastfeeding is uncomfortable at first, pretty sure all new things are, aren’t they? However, a fed baby is a happy baby and that’s all that matters. Breastfed or not. Your scary birth stories, please save them. The last thing a first time mother wants to hear is your horror. No, I don’t want an epidural does that mean I wont get one? I have no idea, I will take that as it comes in MY labor and delivery. We all have our reasons and choices for them and I don’t need to explain mine.

I saved the best for last, are you having a second child. First and foremost you do not know what someone goes through and if you do then shame on you for asking. Some people can not conceive, some people have had several miscarriages trying for the one child they do get blessed with. There are endless variables and all the more reason for you not to ask this question. Kevin and I never thought kids were possible. I have shared our story before on my live chats but in short, he had an emergency surgery years ago that doctors told him would leave him sterile. We never prevented for this reason and never conceived until now. To ask if we will have another while I am currently carrying our miracle is just rude. Let me have this pregnancy, this baby and our life with her. Do not rush us to the next chapter that may or may not happen.

Now, that may seem like I just went off on a rant and to some degree I did. This is my perspective. However, none of those comments have ruined my journey. Why? Because I stand firm on what I believe in and I always keep it real. I let the comments roll off my back for the most part, unless I feel that person needs to hear the above. My best advice will always be to not engage and if you can’t help yourself then make sure you’re giving a firm, non argumentative response. Then move on. Pregnancy is an incredible, incredible blessing and you should be soaking in all the moments, all the kicks, all the feels and not worrying about anything else.

I hope this blog helped some of you new moms and even exisiting moms with how to handle the unsolicited advice and comments. Perhaps even shed some light for those whom maybe insist on giving their advice. This will help you see how it can be adding stress and not helping a new mom. Encouragement is key. Positive vibes always.

xoxo

Ashli